The Infamous T. Rex Theory

ok, for this theory to be totally entertaining you should suspend all previous scientific knowledge and just go with it...this theory was born from a fateful trip to a national youth worker's convention in pittsburgh (they have a t.rex skeleton in the airport. best. airport. ever.) and was then further developed in a class titled "dinosauria" and on a couch in wales...this is my life's work thus far...

first of all, i feel the need to point out how odd it is that we have only six or seven complete/semi complete t.rex skeletons. when you consider how many thousands of bones and hundreds of dinosaur skeletons we have uncovered and assembled up to this point in our history, one has to wonder at the dismal collection of the "king of the tyrants". secondly we must also remind ourselves that the two most prolific sources of fossils happen to be tar pits and flooded river beds. interesting concept huh? so let's delve a little further and consider t.rex anatomy...those frighteningly tiny arms would make it nearly impossible to escape from tar pits and sticky river mud. although we can agree on that point (and also imagine a giant carnivore flailing around in the mud, attempting to flip his massive body over with his ridiculously tiny arms) it leads one to wonder why we haven't found more t.rex skeletons in these places. perhaps it is because the tiny armed t.rex is a genetic anomaly cleverly weeded out by nature by allowing them to die tragically funny deaths flailing in the mud. this would explain why so few tiny armed t.rex skeletons have been found...genetic anomalies would not appear on a mass scale and those that did manage to survive for several years hunting or scavenging would be done in by a fateful slip into tar or mud. and thus natural selection at its finest. so while i can theorize, i am not a scientific professional and can only speculate about where the rest of the t.rex population went. i am of the opinion that those with regular arms migrated to mountain caves or swam to sea caves and since most paleontologists do not spend their time spelunking, they have yet to find the massive amounts of regular sized arm t.rex skeletons.

so what does this mean for us? well it means a nifty arm gesture that was patented in an ancient greek class. to complete the "t.rex arm flail", one must first bring both arms down to the sides of their body. locking their elbows into their ribs and then lifting their arms straight out in front of them. next one must have a seizure like movement, but only from the elbows down. in a particularly challenging situation or when attempting to show how tragic someone else's mental flailing is, one only has to tip their head back and move their mouth silently in a panicked way while doing the arm gesture. when doing this for one's own benefit the movement is often preceded or followed by the following statement, modified to suit your own personal situation..."passive periphrastic constructions are my proverbial tar pit".

the end.